HAPPY NEW YEAR

Yes, it was going to be bad. 

It was going to be awful. 

When I would start, it would be a complete disarray of ideas. Colours haphazardly everywhere. Half, no 90% of the time I myself would have no idea of what I was writing, why I was writing, or what was happening. What I aimed to get out of it. 

But I would still show up. I would still put it out there. Even though not a single person on this planet was ever, ever going to read it, I would write and I would throw my awful piece of work out there. 

I would make more messy art. And I would throw all of it, every single word of it, out there. I would do it like I was obsessed. 

I would do it because by not doing it, I was already dead. 

Not doing it destroyed me in a thousand little ways o one could ever imagine. It was like tiny waves of tightness in my chest which no one would ever feel. 

I lived with it everyday. This fear. Fear of holding everything in. I was full to the brim and all I wanted to do is explode. 

I have never wanted to explode so bad. I could go to people’s houses and hand them manuscripts of all the words inside me. Just to get it out. I don’t care of they read it. I don’t care if they use it to clean something. I don’t care if they crumple it and trash it and go on. 

Like I said, nobody will ever care, really. 

But I will show up. And I will be free. And that’s all that will ever matter to me. 

I am tired of this fakeness in my life like someone’s pressed a wet cloth over my nose. It’s gotten to this point where I am just running about madly day after endless day. 

I used to wonder what I would write about. And that stopped me from writing to you. I have been away from you for so, so long. 

Now, even if it’s a simple “ Hi, I don’t have anything to say at all today because my mind is as empty as a blank canvas but I just want to tell you that I hope you have a good day and I love you, don’t be sad”, I’ll do it. Even if my mind is blank on a thousand days, and I have to write the above line 1000 times, I’ll do it. 

I’ll do it because there is no other thing I want to do. There is nothing else I know how to do.

If you are a kind, nice person who is not mean and hurtful to other people; I love you, despite the distance between us.

And for this, I have decided I will write to you. As much as I can. Everyday.