LMAO ARE YOU PROUD OF YOUR LIFE?

"The impossible is possible 

But your fear is so responsible 

For keeping you down

Keeping you down."

THERE ARE SOME REALLY, REALLY WILD PLACES IN THE WORLD; AND THAT IS WHERE I WANT TO BE.

"Start over. Start over. Start over."

So if you've been reading my previous posts  you will see me mentioning how sick I am of the place I am in and how sick I am of the people I am surrounded by. I want to make one fact GLARINGLY CLEAR LMAO - I am in no way speaking badly about the place or the people in any way, just know that the world is a HUGE PLACE and there are 12847385387245823904 people here and everybody has different ideals about the kind of life they want. What doesn't attract ME ( JUST ME) might be the best thing that ever happened to someone else or might be the best place this they've ever lived in. And I am not a news reporter of any kind, I am just blogging my story and my experiences, so it's a balance lmao. 

So, exams are over (YASSS YASSS YASSSS OMG) and I woke up this morning and watched a bunch of videos about how important it is to follow something or go somewhere if it makes you feel so much (idk if I've told you but I go bonkers everytime I hear a flight). Like, the whole world around me dissolves and stops and I see those twinkling flight lights across the night sky.

Idk LISTEN, OK???? I've lived every moment of my life thinking only about the future and making salary plans and I don't think that has led me anywhere.

See, the thing about growing up, is that (idk about other people) but it made me realise that life is not forever. 

You're NOT LIVING FOREVER, OK? It's a really harsh truth, but if this truth enables me to live better and live more, I am absolutely sure that I want to chase it, and yeah I KNOW huge changes may not be as silver-lined as they originally seem to be but so what?? It's not like you're happy most of the time now anyway. Idk exactly what happiness is, but I think I know what it's NOT. 

I can't, like, I just can't. I know that I might be messing up a lot of things, but I am so, SO PROUD of my ability to feel so much, to understand so many vibrations already while I'm so young instead of just growing up and having some mid-life crisis about how shitty my life is, and I don't think I would ever give this utter obsession with living more and living happier for anything or anyone. 

I am proud of myself, ok? More than you will ever know. 

But that doesn't mean I don't want to change. I want change in my life SO MUCH, it's been like a constant clawing upon my soul for the past 6 months. 

I know you probably think I have my entire life figured out completely, the way I write about life so confidently and wisely. Well, BEWARE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING AT ALL FIGURED OUT, ok?? 

And I love this feeling. This in-the-moment feeling. And living like this feels....right. It means I'm growing and I'm alive.

Like, I want to be a completely different person. I want to look at myself in the mirror and literally LAUGH OUT with disbelief at who I am as a person.

"You only fail if you never try,

You'll never live trying not to die."

My favourite line in this entire song, so I'm repeating it. 

"You'll never live trying not to die"

Xoxo

Insane Little Brunette.

[BG MUSIC - "Start Over", The Afters"] 🎙🎙